When I was in Maryland last month, I happened to catch a few episodes of The Colbert Report (the t’s at the end of both are silent) with Stephen Colbert, an ironically self-described “Megamerican.” Used to Colbert playing the straight man who delivered biting sarcasm with absolute seriousness on The Daily Show, the new, slightly different Colbert act took some getting used to, but the word on the blogs has been that he stunk up the joint when he did his routine at the correspondents’ dinner. This sounded odd to me, since I couldn’t remember the last time Colbert had delivered an entire routine so badly.

Granted that few things could measure up, or should I saw down, to the First Lady’s tasteless and crass humour from last year, the transcript at least has some entertaining lines (even if Colbert did not hit the right notes in delivering it–not owning a TV, I have no idea how he delivered the lines). My impression is that the near-consensus on right-leaning blogs that Colbert “bombed” has an awful lot to do with all the uncomfortable truths he reminded them of (it’s hard to laugh at all the disasters that you and yours have created). On the other hand, most of the Kossacks and friends probably didn’t care how he said what he said so long as he said it (humour is not the Kossacks’ long suit anyway). Left-leaning blogs seem to be missing the point that it was a comedy routine and not an editorial. But no matter.

Here is a transcript of Colbert’s act, and here are a few choice quotes:

I’m a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.

In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible. I said it’s a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

Anyone who has forced himself to listen to more than a few of Mr. Bush’s speeches gets the joke in the first paragraph. The rest are clear enough. And if Colbert’s delivery was off, his biting wit wasn’t:

Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don’t pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in “reality.” And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass — it’s important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it. The last third is usually backwash. Okay, look, folks, my point is that I don’t believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback.

In case describing Mr. Bush’s bedrock supporters obliquely as backwash didn’t win the crowd over, he had this tip for the correspondents themselves on what reporters were supposed to do:

But, listen, let’s review the rules. Here’s how it works: the president makes decisions. He’s the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put ’em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know – fiction!

I can see why the journalists and politicos in the room didn’t like this act. It exposes them for what they are. Either Colbert was being really, really ironic (always a possibility–he is a Southerner) or he was mocking them the entire time as intensely as he could. Either way, the opening bit is a great read, regardless of whether the whole thing was a good routine.