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The Real Nitty-Gritty

My White House mole tells me that once the bang-bang starts in Baghdad, the first medal will go to Bill Kristol, editor and television personality extraordinaire. The fujita (translation: martial yelling) lukatmi (translation: bragging) award is a civilian one, based on Imperial Japan’s highest wartime decoration for sending others to die. The first fujita-lukatmi medal […]

My White House mole tells me that once the bang-bang starts in Baghdad, the first medal will go to Bill Kristol, editor and television personality extraordinaire. The fujita (translation: martial yelling) lukatmi (translation: bragging) award is a civilian one, based on Imperial Japan’s highest wartime decoration for sending others to die. The first fujita-lukatmi medal was awarded to General Sugamoto Sukiyaki, who ordered hundreds of Kamikazes to fly and die. Sukiyaki never led a mission and was never tried for war crimes. In fact, his name became a household word here in America once a grateful Japanese high command named a dish after him. (They were grateful he did not order them to fly).

Despite the fact that Bill Kristol has been extremely rude about me in one interview after another – I have never met the man because, although I am not at all a snob (being well born), I do nevertheless draw the line somewhere, and he is that somewhere – I fully agree with the award. No one deserves it more. And it is very appropriate for the Bush administration to pin a Japanese special warrior medal on Kristol’s Samurai-like chest.

The form of the ceremony is as follows: The Samurai (Kristol) stands still with a kiku-non-kokoro look on his face. (Mind like the moon). As the president approaches Kristol, the Samurai lets out a blood-curdling scream, Kiaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. The warrior is then pinned, he bows deeply and swaggers Samurai-like out of the Rose Garden and heads for the Likud Party Headquarters in exile, Netanyahu wing, where he is a non-registered agent. The medal is made out of Murdoch gold, in Australia of all places, and the ribbon is a lemon yellow. Alas, General Sugamoto Sukiyaki (ret.) will not be making the trip because of extreme old age. But he has already sent a message to Kristol: “As long as others die, you will live to a ripe old age. Congratulations.” This late report just in: Secretary of State Colin Powell, whom Kristol first touted for president but whose resignation he later demanded for not being warlike enough, will not be attending.

Now that California might become the first state to force nearly all public schools to drop American Indian team names – Redskins, Chiefs, Apaches all bite the dust – I thought it appropriate to mention that over the pond, in good old Blighty, political correctness is keeping up with the Joneses. A British government minister was recently upbraided for using the phrase “nitty-gritty”.

During a speech at a police conference, the police minister of Tony Blair’s administration said that it was time to “get down to the nitty-gritty on training officers.” The reaction was immediate. The minister was told to apologize and warned that if it happened again he would be sacked on the spot. The head of Scotland Yard’s directorate of training, Chris Jefford, told the offender, “As a serving police officer, if I used the term nitty-gritty, I would face instant dismissal. Nitty-gritty is a prohibited term in the modern police service as being a racist term.” A number of those attending mentioned the word “slavery” in connection with the offending phrase. Others were not so sure. “If he had passed loud wind in front of the Queen in Westminster Cathedral the reception would not have been half as bad,” was the way one old Bobby put it.

Oh well, let’s not get down to the nitty-gritty of political correctness. We might be here all week.

To more serious matters, like the coming war on Iraq. I thought American arrogance reached its summit when the grotesque Madeleine Albright declared that the death of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi children was a price worth paying for U.S. policy against Iraq. This was abyssmal cynicism to say the least. But Albright was Albright, and Colin Powell is a noble man, a soldier who knows better.

America, as my colleague Pat Buchanan has been warning for years, is not an imperial nation. It is anti-imperialist and anti-colonialist. Could we bring democracy to post-Saddam Iraq? In my not so humble opinion, chaos yes, democracy never.

All military historians know that the first and fundamental task for governments contemplating war is to be absolutely clear about the political objectives. Today, no such clarity exists. Regime change sounds good as an election slogan, but it can turn into a recipe for disaster quicker than one can say Kristol. Ditto as far as weapons of mass destruction are concerned. It is a mantra, and nothing more. Despite its horrific reputation, mustard gas was shown in World War I to be less lethal than conventional shells and bullets. Saddam’s present armory consists of 20 obsolete Scud missiles and a few home-made aircraft drones equipped with spray tanks. In any case, possession does not necessarily mean use. America, France, Britain, India, Pakistan and Israel all possess nuclear missiles, and not one has so far fired one in anger.

There are, of course, two schools of thought: One is that the Iraqis will dance in the streets if there is a regime change. The other is that an attack will unite them – along with the rest of the Muslim world – against America. I am of the latter. What the administration has to understand is that like most people, Iraqis resent the oppression they will suffer in case of an attack by a foreign power, much more than that practiced by their own. Just as Israeli oppression of the Palestinians unites all Arabs, so will they be further united in their hate of Uncle Sam in case of a war.

My personal suggestion is an old-fashioned one. Assassinate Saddam and keep quiet about it. (Old Frank Church took care of that option, mind you.) Americans will quote Executive Order 12333, which forbids assassination during peacetime. But this is bollocks. We bomb Iraq daily, so what’s a bullet or two up Saddam’s you-know-what? If Saddam were killed tomorrow, it would not solve the problem, not with 60 percent of the country being Shias in the south ready to join the mullahs in Iran to topple the Saudis, but it would greatly diminish the perceived threat. How do we kill him? Not so easy. He sleeps in a different place every night and has as many as eight doubles. (In fact, I know very few Iraqis who don’t look like Saddam). His ghastly sons might be a way. They do not command the loyalty of their father’s elite troops, and they might possibly lead to him. Cherchez Udai.

And now for some good news: There are some things we Americans can learn from … Iran. And before you start throwing adjectives at me, here is at least one. Eight players of the Iranian national soccer squad have been sentenced to whipping for visiting prostitutes in the Islamic Republic. Two of the eight have already been subjected to 70 of 170 lashes, respectively, while the others still face their sentences along with heavy fines.

I think of some of our professional sports heroes, people like Randy Moss, the Minnesota Vikings receiver who recently drove his car into a traffic warden who dared to give him a ticket. Or those two “sportsmen,” father and son, who assaulted the Kansas City first base coach. Bryan Thomas, the New York Jets’ new $6.6 million star, will also do. Thomas allegedly sent an airline ticket to his girlfriend, then proceeded to beat her up when she asked for cash. Thomas is 6’4”, 266 pounds, and majored in criminal justice. (Imagine if he had majored in physical education; the poor girl might have been killed). Now, as we all know, fining a multi-millionaire is like asking Bill Clinton to be truthful: a useless exercise that only wastes time, not money. But if, say, some of those NBA bullies who have beaten up their groupies knew that they would have to endure 170 lashes, they’d turn into gentlemen overnight.

Corporal punishment comes from paradise, goes a Greek saying. We should try it on pro athletes to start with, and then proceed to dishonest CEOs, presidents prone to perjury and obstruction of justice, even smart-aleck TV pundits. The place would become paradise overnight.

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