A working draft of the script for the first episode of next season’s Downton Abbey, the cruelest series (to its characters) on television. It begins with Daisy and Mrs. Patmore accidentally killing themselves in the kitchen:
Enter Jimmy, in a huff, followed by Thomas, red-faced, followed by Alfred, confused.
JIMMY (to Mrs. Hughes)He touched my bottom again.
THOMASMy hand slipped as I was reaching for something.
ALFREDYeah, his bottom.
MRS. HUGHESThere’ll be no more talk of bottoms or touching in this house.
THOMASMister Carson won’t be too happy about having a lie down now, Daisy.
MRS. HUGHESI’m afraid they’re dead.
ALFREDBut I was going to ask her to Badger Counting Day in the village tomorrow.
MRS. HUGHES (heavy sigh)There’ll be no more badger counting for these two I’m afraid.
THOMASWhat are we going to do about the roast? Mister Carson’s waiting.
MRS. HUGHESJimmy, help get that roast and those little potatoes on a charger and get them to the dining room. Alfred, move the bodies outside. Thomas, stop touching Jimmy. Heavens. Am I the only one who realizes we have a dinner to serve?
Read the whole thing. It’s funny.