Let the Bad Times Roll
Two cheers for corruption.
Yes, officer, I was in New Orleans’ French Quarter last month when those 10 youthful hooligans made their great escape, but if I did anything to assist them in their getaway it was, I assure you, unintentional. How, in all that Bourbon Street mayhem, is one to distinguish illegality from lawful carousing, anyway? How, moreover, is one to tell the difference in any other parts of that notoriously raffish city?
That’s my alibi, or would be, if one were required. I cannot say I endorse what those scofflaws did, but it would be disingenuous to deny that I admire their ingenuity. They managed to rip a toilet from a cell, opening a hole in the wall behind it, and squeeze through the hole. They used towels for protection when they propelled themselves over a barbed-wire fence, ran across an interstate highway and made their getaway. They made it, some of them, to the Vieux Carre where I was, before being apprehended. For seven hours, no one at the Orleans Parish Justice Center even knew they were gone. I also admire the graffiti they left at the scene of the crime: “To Easy LOL” and “We Innocent.” Others, at press time, remain at large, more about whom in a minute.
Law enforcement has never been New Orleans’ strong suit. That “wonderful, grand old Babylon,” as A. J. Liebling called it, has been corrupt and its civic leaders comically incompetent forever. “Times are not good here. The city is crumbling into ashes. It has been buried under taxes and frauds and maladministrations so that it has become a study for archaeologists.” Lafcadio Hearn wrote that in the 1870s, adding this kicker: For all that corruption and incompetence, “it is better to live here in sackcloth and ashes than to own the whole state of Ohio.” Even at its worst (who even remembers Buz Lukens?), the Buckeye State doesn’t hold a roman candle to Louisiana.
And that is part of the Big Easy’s charm. Some cities take themselves too seriously. New Orleans is not one of them. Back in 2016, when a 30-foot-wide crater opened up on Canal Street near one of the casinos—a crater the city seemed unable to repair—hundreds of citizens showed up to celebrate “Sinkhole de Mayo.”
The more time I spend in New Orleans, the more convinced I become that so-called “good government” is overrated. Honesty in elected officials and efficiency from their hirelings is the impossible dream of high-minded reformers, and I’m increasingly persuaded that their pursuit does more harm than good. The endless layering on of rules and regulations, as government meddles in more and more aspects of our lives, places an insupportable burden on our public servants. This expansion of duties and areas of involvement makes it more and more difficult, of course, to get anything done.
A good bribe, well timed and well placed, can cut through a lot of nonsense. There are downsides, of course, but burdening public officials with endless reams of paperwork can, in its own way, invite problems. I am well aware that locals who lived through Katrina and suchlike calamities might disagree, but inefficiency can have its own piquant charm.
While I do not condone what the hardy souls who escaped from jail did, I was encouraged by what a local jackanapes named Don Keibels reports in his Neutral Ground News. Keibels claims that the two escapees who remain at large are themselves running for public office, and—while they have surely made mistakes in the past—I will try not to hold these youthful indiscretions against them.
They have added “political hopefuls” to their rap sheets, Keibels reports. Their joint campaign announcement appeared “on a balled-up napkin stuck to the wall of an unnamed gas station bathroom using what appeared to be chewed gum and possibly old ketchup.”
“We’ve been on the run long enough to know how this city works,” the escapees said, and they are running—jointly—for mayor.
They scrawled a second announcement on a discarded pizza box left at the doorstep of Neutral Ground News, saying their experience “navigating alleyways, dodging locals and media, and slipping through institutional cracks makes them uniquely qualified to lead a city that practically runs on the same mechanics.” And they make a good case: “Running from the law prepared us to run the city. If past mayors could get in and get away with so much, this is clearly where we belong.”
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Here, again, is Keibels:
They acknowledge they aren’t the only candidates with questionable backgrounds but emphasize they’re the only ones who are already proven crooks. “You know our resumes. You’ve already seen the mugshots. We’re part of a long, proud tradition of New Orleans leadership that voters won’t have to question. You already know what you’re getting…As mayor, we plan to travel extensively…ideally to places without extradition treaties.”
I’m in. They have the experience, the ingenuity and the courage. I’ll cast my ballot for them, even though I will have to do so from 1,000 miles away.
