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The Inferno Expands

  The Onion, as great as ever: CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL–After nearly four years of construction at an estimated cost of 750 million souls, Corpadverticus, the new 10th circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday. The Blockbuster Video-sponsored circle, located in Nether Hell between the former eighth and ninth levels of Malebolge and […]

onion_news1285_jpg_600x1000_q85  The Onion, as great as ever:

CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL–After nearly four years of construction at an estimated cost of 750 million souls, Corpadverticus, the new 10th circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday.

The Blockbuster Video-sponsored circle, located in Nether Hell between the former eighth and ninth levels of Malebolge and Cocytus, is expected to greatly alleviate the overcrowding problems that have plagued the infernal underworld in recent years. The circle is the first added to Hell in its countless-millennia history.

“A nightmarishly large glut of condemned spirits in recent years necessitated the expansion of Hell,” inferno spokesperson Antedeus said. “The traditional nine-tiered system had grown insufficient to accommodate the exponentially rising numbers of Hellbound.”

Adding to the need for expansion, Antedeus said, was the fact that a majority of the new arrivals possessed souls far more evil than the original nine circles were equipped to handle. “Demographers, advertising executives, tobacco lobbyists, monopoly-law experts retained by major corporations, and creators of office-based sitcoms–these new arrivals represent a wave of spiritual decay and horror the likes of which Hell has never before seen,” Antedeus said.

Read the whole thing. And yes, that graphic is entirely true to Dante’s conception. Except for the new part. Please visit the Miley Cyrus Twerk Pavilion on your way down.

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