Victoria Dailey translates Pride And Prejudice into Academiotics. Excerpt:

“ ‘My dear Mr. Bennet,’ said his lady to him one day, ‘have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last?’ ”

Translation:

“My dear Mr. Bennet,” said his partner to him during one diurnal juncture, “have you heard that a hierarchical contractualized negotiation has been consensitized on Netherfield Park?”

* * *

“Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.”

Translation:

Mr. Bennet antiphoned post-positively.

It’s a joke, I know, but what makes it funny is how close to the truth it is. Why would anyone who loves books want to become a literature professor if it meant having to learn to write and think like this? Why on earth would anyone want to entomb living language in such calcified bullshit?

[H/T: Prufrock, the free daily e-mail arts & literature digest, which you ought to be getting]