Sociologists Elizabeth Marquardt and W. Bradford Wilcox find evidence that it doesn’t have to be, if couples are willing to live by certain rules. Excerpt:

A substantial minority — about 35 percent — of husbands and wives do not experience parenthood as an obstacle to marital happiness. These couples seem to navigate the shoals of parenthood without succumbing to comparatively low levels of marital happiness. What is their secret? We identified ten aspects of contemporary social life and relationships — such as marital generosity, good sex, religious faith, thrift, shared housework, and more — that seem to boost women’s and men’s odds of successfully combining marriage and parenthood.

Our findings go beyond the tired, old debates about gender roles and marriage. In the 1960s and ’70s, in part as a consequence of the feminist movement and the therapeutic revolution, many wives understandably rejected what was then a heavily-gendered ethic of marital sacrifice and instead took a more individualistic approach to marriage, focused on meeting their own needs. But if the 1970s divorce revolution taught us anything, it was that heavy doses of individualism and a good marriage aren’t very compatible.

Our report suggests, in contrast, that in today’s marriages both wives and husbands benefit when they embrace an ethic of marital generosity that puts the welfare of their spouse first. That is, both are happier in their marriages when they make a regular effort to serve their spouse in small ways — from making them a cup of coffee, to giving them a back rub after a long day, to going out of their way to be affectionate or forgiving. So the lesson here is not for wives now to throw off an other-centered ethic as a relic of an ancient era, but rather for contemporary husbands to embrace this ethic for themselves and their families.

I find from experience that this is deeply true. It’s a challenge, certainly, but it has its rewards. I’m really glad we live in a time in which it’s a normal thing for men to help with cooking, cleaning the kitchen, and so forth.

It’s hard to say that marriage with family makes one happy, per se, but it does make one joyful. I remember when Julie and I were first married, we had a great time without kids. We lived in Manhattan, and had no responsibilities or encumbrances beyond ourselves. After about a year of that, we felt like, “Is this all there is?” And then we started our family. How often both of us would love to experience again the freedom we did back in the day before children. But would we trade what we have, and have had, for that again? Not in a million years. This is a very difficult thing, I find, to convey to those who aren’t married, or who don’t have children. But it’s true. This morning I went in to wake my little girl up, watched her sleeping for a few seconds, and my heart nearly burst.