Because I think the ultra-trendy “death of Archie” at the hands of a homophobic gun nut must be made fun of for its utter of-the-moment, p.c. sanctimony, and because as of yet, we haven’t heard from Camille Paglia on the question, let’s have fun with it. Two questions for you readers:

1. What would have been an even trendier left-liberal way to martyr Archie?

2. If Archie could have died a martyr to a cause that suits your own boutique p.c. sensibilities, how would that have played out? 

My answers:

Trendier ways for Archie to have died:

From an untreated infection received when he went to a back-alley surgeon for a sex change after learning that Obamacare wouldn’t pay for his operation.

My favorite causes for which Archie could have been martyred:

A suicide to avoid being forced by an ACLU lawyer and a friendly liberal judge to testify in violation of the confessional seal.

Dead, along with Jughead, from an E. coli infection acquired by eating tainted burgers at Pop’s, the result of beef factory-farming.

Murdered by fellow vagrants after losing his job and becoming homeless because his refusal to fill out an employee survey cost him got him tagged by HR as a risk for creating a “hostile work environment” claim by gay co-workers, resulting in his firing.

Run over by a developer’s bulldozer while laying down in front of it to protest the destruction of a neighborhood independent book store/oyster bar, and its replacement by a Wal-mart.

Shot in the siege of his Benedict Option compound as it was overrun by an army of transgender Mainline Protestant mercenaries and their “allies,” whose membership dues to the National Council of Churches were covered by Disneyworld in exchange for their work in clearing the territory for an expansion of the theme park.

Dead of heartbreak, with La Marseillaise on his lips, when the liberal fascists of the European Union ban consumption of raw oysters in member states.

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Your entries welcomed. Uncle Chuckie, you were born for this moment.