Your special gift for hating the right people

I can’t resist sharing this progressive capitalist crackpottery with you. Remember last week’s new Ben & Jerry’s stunt, encouraging people to own the conservatives by buying a seven-dollar pint of gourmet ice cream? Well, here’s an even funnier load of sanctimony, from Bill Penzey, the owner of Penzeys Spices. Penzey is a highly-accomplished monger of progressive spite. Earlier this year, the New Yorker did a short piece on how he has done well selling spices by positioning himself as a volcanic Trump hater.

(Side note: the magazine incorrectly reported that Penzey’s apolitical sister, a competing spice merchant, reached out to conservative media in an attempt to sell politics-free spices from the same family. I reached out to her first, and posted about it here. She responded later by inviting readers of my blog alienated by her brother’s nastiness to buy apolitical spices at The Spice House — which I’ve done, and which I, as a former Penzeys customer, recommend to you. Especially their Bavarian Seasoning.)

Anyway, here’s the latest from Comrade Penzey:

Plenty of seats still available on the Right Side of History Train. Thing is, this train leaves the station when the polls close Tuesday. Until then, you can still be one of America’s good guys. History has its eyes on all of us. Not comfortable with the president’s latest race-based immigration fears? Then why let history file you in with the white hoods and robes crowd? History remembers. Don’t burden future generations of your family by giving history good reason to remember you as a monster. Until Tuesday there is still time to change.And keep in mind, history doesn’t play fair. You won’t be judged by the understanding of today, you get judged by future understanding. Where we have only some of the information, by the time the history of this time gets told, history will have all the details and more. History will have the Mueller Report in its full, un-redacted sweetness. History will know every step along the way from the president’s campaign’s first contact with the Russian spies right up to him freely quoting the stolen emails on the campaign stage. History will even have his tax returns. How is that even fair?

But as much as history will have all the info, at this point we really aren’t missing that much. Does each and every dot along the way need to be fully penciled in before we admit the obvious line between that first meeting and the knowing use of Russian-hacked documents on the campaign trail? At this point does anyone think he is keeping his tax returns hidden out of a sense of humility? In time, every detail will be documented, but right here, right now, we are already well past the reasonable doubt stage. The Right Side of History Train is blowing its final boarding call whistle. ALL-A-BOARD!!!

And despite the purposefully crafted fears to the otherwise, no hate here. We really are ready to welcome in all late comers with kindness and appreciation. And did I mention we have cookies? (See recipe below). That this train exists at all, much less that it is already rolling under a full head of steam, is something incredibly worth celebrating. Everybody in this country owes a debt to all those who gave so much for these past two years to keep alive the hope that is at the heart of the American Spirit. From the very first full day in office with The Women’s March, to those who will spend Monday knocking on doors to Get Out The Vote, there are so many owed so much thanks.

So one day only, Saturday 11.3.18, we are offering a $28.95 value Hope and Kindness Mini Box that has our Embrace Hope pin, Kind pin, Heal the World Bumper/Refrigerator magnet, and half-cup jar of our really tasty Roasted Garlic all packed into a happy little yellow Penzeys box. These are nice. To get yours in one of our stores, just bring in this email or the coupon above and spend $5.

The dude sells spices, but hey, all hail this Lenin of the Lemon Zest, this Hegel of Dessicated Herbs, busily healing the world by vending aromatic contempt. There’s “no hate here,” says the rich man who says you’re a Klansman if you don’t vote Democratic. Oh, and get some progressive swag by spending five dollars at a Penzeys store. To own the cons. That’ll show ’em!

Ah, American capitalism. What a country! I tell you what.