Hilarious advice column from McSweeney’s. Example:

Dear Ayn,

My baby daughter is turning one year old, and I don’t know if I should throw her a birthday party or not. What should I do? I’d appreciate any advice.

– One is the Loneliest Number

Dear One,

DO NOT reward this tiny unemployed Jew with a party. Your so-called “baby” is most likely an immigrant (read: LAZYBONES) who doesn’t contribute to her family’s income and gives terrible, poor-people gifts like HD-DVDs and sand. Unrelated question: does your baby have any spare hands?

Hope this helps,

(H/T: David Mills, who recommends an even funnier Rand parody from McSweeney’s.)

UPDATE: Daniel McCarthy takes a more critical view of the McSweeney’s parody.