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Home/Rod Dreher/Against Coffee Heresy

Against Coffee Heresy

Father Andrew Stephen Damick has a warning for Christian coffee drinkers:

Your local coffeehouse may be a hotbed of heresy. Check the following list and see how yours measures up.

  • Decaf is Docetic because it only appears to be coffee.

  • Instant is Apollinarian because it’s had its soul removed and replaced.

  • Frappuccinos are essentially a form of Monophysitism, having their coffee nature swallowed up in milkshake.

  • Chicory is Arian, not truly coffee at all but a separate creation.

  • Irish coffee is Nestorian, being two natures conjoined solely by good will.

Read his whole list. It’s pretty funny. A wiseacre New York Catholic priest friend once told me that decaf coffee is a violation of Humanae Vitae because it denies the natural purpose of the bean. I would add that the longtime off-the-menu Starbucks drink, thecaffemisto, is a minor form of Gnosticism, because only those initiates into the world of esoteric knowledge can partake of it.

about the author

Rod Dreher is a senior editor at The American Conservative. A veteran of three decades of magazine and newspaper journalism, he has also written three New York Times bestsellers—Live Not By Lies, The Benedict Option, and The Little Way of Ruthie Lemingas well as Crunchy Cons and How Dante Can Save Your Life. Dreher lives in Baton Rouge, La.

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