In a spectacular reversal of fortunes, beleaguered Macedonia has been declared a full European Union member state, effective immediately. In an unprecedented act of solidarity, the bloc voted unanimously to pass the Bucherinska Act, to reward the year’s most obedient beggar state.

“As far as we’re concerned,” stated EU Enlargement Chief Ollie Rehn, “by carrying out every decision of its foreign, domestic and economic policies precisely as we ordered, with no regard for the opinion of its public, Macedonia proved itself eminently worthy of membership in our club. Let its inspired toadying and desperate public intimidation serve as an example to other aspiring states.”

Rehn also singled out Macedonia for its determined approach to creating a viable multi-ethnic society. “The NGO sector proved very adept at utilizing our money for a wide variety of initiatives, projects, experts and programs. The word implementation was used sufficiently. All this was done in keeping with the spirit of EU norms and practices,” said the Enlargement Chief. “Macedonia has also shown that its various ethnicities can play together in the sandbox – right up there with the best kindergarteners in Europe.”

When asked how Macedonia could have so suddenly surged past more advanced candidates such as Bulgaria and Romania, not to mention aspiring candidates such as Croatia and Turkey, Rehn, EU Foreign Policy chief Javier Solana and Stability Pact chief Erhard Busek offered candid reflections.

“Turkey? Come on. We don’t need any more Muslims in Europe,” scoffed Solana. “And all our attempts to impose fiscal rationality there will continue to fail, so long as they keep drinking tea out of those tiny cups! It is very inefficient.”

Solana revealed at the same time that Kosovo will soon be paved over to make room for mega-malls and their requisite parking lots. “If the Albanians really love America as much as they claim, then they should be proud to sacrifice their homes and property for the world’s largest Wal-Mart. Besides, we can train them in democracy-building and send them off to Central Asia to finish off the revolutions we’ve started there.” ~Balkanalysis.com