Pat Boone has some thoughts about waterboarding—other than to admit that being locked in a room and forced to listen to his greatest hits would drive even the most hardened terrorist to volunteer for it. So what’s a played-out crooner to do but post his pensées on World Net Daily?

His logic goes something like this. We’re at the mercy of “an enemy with absolutely no moral compunction and with a demonic bloodlust to destroy us, our homes and families and way or life.” (Should there be any confusion, that would be 19 hijackers nearly eight years ago, not the massive military footprint that’s killed thousands of Iraqi civilians and driven millions from their homes.) Because of the “extreme urgency and unimaginable danger”—someone’s been watching too much “24”—Boone has no problem with treating terror suspects to an “extremely uncomfortable experience.”

There’s no chance that waterboarding is torture, he claims, because Khalid Sheikh Mohammed endured 130 rounds “with no lasting damage at all” before he “divulged information that thwarted the destruction of the Brooklyn Bridge and saved an estimated 10,000 lives. (Small wrinkle: Iyman Faris, who was convicted in the bridge plot, abandoned his scheme before Mohammed was even in custody.)

Then comes that twist you never saw coming, proof of Boone’s literary genius. It’s not just for evil jihadists anymore. “America is being waterboarded!” by the Obama administration–which suddenly makes waterboarding a really bad thing. “The nation—its economy and political body—has been strapped down, blindfolded and hosed,” says the kid in the white buck shoes. Worse, we’re “drenched and near drowned and gasping for breath”—still with no lasting damage? Apparently tortured metaphors also have a breaking point.