A friend of the magazine provides some wry translations:

Right to life:

Think of it as rent control for babies. Once that fetus moves in, it can’t be evicted just because mom thinks she can be more profitable if her womb is vacant.

Defense of traditional marriage:

Think of it as defending tax revenue. Just imagine our deficit problem if all the single women began sheltering their income in sham lesbian marriages.

Strong national defense:

Think of it as a single-payer system that prevents you from being enslaved by foreign powers.

Free trade:

Think of it as free speech for things that aren’t books. Don’t all products have some words on them these days anyway? At the very least they say “Made in China.”

Border control:

Think of it as a minimum wage for our children. By keeping out illegal immigrants, there’s less competition for unemployed American teenagers getting their first job at McDonald’s.