Tonight the LSU Tigers have their season opener against Wisconsin (one hopes that Uncle Chuckie is not misusing his psionics helmet from the Cosimanian Orthodox Vatican in Milwaukee). In honor of the return of SEC football, I present to you a Fox Sports commentary sent to me by a friend and Auburn graduate: Why Alabama Has The Dumbest Fan Base In America. Excerpts:

When news broke that authorities had arrested a man for poisoning the trees at Auburn, millions of Alabama fans secretly thought to themselves, “God, I hope it’s not Uncle Ray.”

That’s because Harvey Updyke could have easily been in many Bama families.

Easily.

More:

The Alabama fan base is a fractious mix of two distinct groups who can’t really stand each other.

At the top of the list is the 10-15% of the fan base that could actually be admitted to Alabama or attended the school.

This group hates most of the rest of the Alabama fan base with a passionate fury.

Right now they are reading this column and silently nodding.

The other 85% of Bama fans are incapable of coherent thought and have a deep-seated insecurity about all things in life. Alabama football comprises, and this is not an exaggeration, 99% of their self esteem.

This group of Alabama fans resents those who actually attended the school and calls them, “elitists.” (To be an “elitist” in Alabama you have to graduate high school, avoid having kids until you’re 22, and shop at Target instead of Wal-Mart. Seriously, that’s an Alabama elitist.). Auburn fans, a distinct minority in the state, are really nothing like Alabama fans. That’s because by and large Auburn fans are associated in some way with Auburn. 95% of the idiots in Alabama root for the Crimson Tide.

And:

What’s the dumbest stereotypical Bama fan like in his element? 

He’s a 38 year old grandfather and he owns fourteen shirts, thirteen of which have to do with Alabama football’s mythical national titles.

An important aspect of his life is that everyone must know that Alabama is his favorite team at every moment of his life. His truck, his trailer, his clothing, his animals, his arm, his parole papers — all of them must include a reference to his Alabama fandom.

To not do this would be unacceptable.

Read the whole thing, especially if you are a Southerner who is not an Alabama fan. That means you, Tiger Nation.

Y’all been to Hank’s House Of Houndstooth yet?

One more thing, then I’m out. It’s really impossible to watch this too often:

But you know, much as I am obligated to hate Alabama and Nick Saban and all his pomps and works, if Alabama plays for the national championship against a non-SEC team, it’s “Bama Up” for me.