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This, my dears, is the Holy Haggis of Brooklyn, resting in its reliquary (a freezer) on the fourth floor of the Dallas Morning News building. This relic was delivered to me by a certain bibulous priest of the Diocese of Brooklyn back in early 2003, for Robert Burns Day. I did not dare to eat it, but rather froze it, and took it with me on the airplane to Dallas, when I moved that spring. I presented it to my new colleagues in the editorial department of the News, and disclosed to them its magical powers. Being pious men and women, they have not dared to remove it from its resting place, even after I left the paper in late 2009. I know this because the Holy Haggis came up in an online discussion on the News‘s website today, and this photo was broadcast to readers.

Bobby Burns be praised! Perhaps under the Holy Haggis’s influence, they have acquired proper theology and geometry, and have come to know that the presence of the Holy Haggis is the keystone in the entire edifice that is the Dallas Morning News, and its defenestration, or even its thawing, would cause the newspaper to collapse economically and physically within days, and a pestilence of Biblical scale to afflict the city. Also, Jerry Jones would gain immortality, and own the Cowboys forever.

You don’t trifle with the Holy Haggis of Brooklyn. Is what I’m telling you.