I called my dad to wish him a happy 77th birthday today. The big news in Starhill today is a kidnapping. Mr. Ronnie, their neighbor, has a latex sex doll someone gave him ages ago as a gag gift. For years he’s dressed it up in his wife’s pajamas, put a wig on its head, and stuck the thing out in his mustard greens patch to frighten off the deer. It’s not everybody’s idea of a scarecrow, but the old gal got the job done.

This past weekend, she went missing, presumably snatched by a prankster. Mr. Ronnie called the sheriff to report a missing person. “Ronnie told them that he was worried she might be sexually abused,” said my dad.

I will alert my readers if a ransom note is received. This reminds me of a similar crime in Starhill some years ago. My Uncle Murphy had a sow, Bertha Mae Butts, who went missing one night. A ransom note was received. Murphy said nothing about it. Not the first word. Bertha Mae’s captors (who were Murphy’s drinking buddies) kept sending ransom notes, but Murphy kept his counsel. He wouldn’t give his cronies the satisfaction of recognizing their prank. Finally they just up and returned the sow because they got tired of boarding her. Perhaps the Sexy Scarecrow will come to a similar happy end. I’ll keep you updated.

I am so going to love living in the South again.