Noah is a terrible, terrible movie. As a story, it doesn’t attain to the level of the worst of the cheesy Biblical movies made in the fifties. Aronofsky broke the first and sacred rule of storytelling: you have to make the audience care. We never cared about Noah even after he was kind to a wounded, half dog – half snake. (No, that wasn’t a mistake.) We never cared for any of the characters. I kept hearing people say this movie is deep. It isn’t. It is psychologically pedestrian. The only emotion the movie elicited in me was laughs of scorn. The script is problematic in every way in which a script can be problematic. Bad characterizations – no complex personalities, just stereotypes. Unmotivated choices abound. No imagery or story subtext. Huge story problems requiring ark-sized suspension of disbelief. Earnest, oh so earnest, dialogue with every syllable on-the-tedious-nose. Awkward transitions. Completely missing a coherent theme. Embarrassing soap-operaish holds on actors looking tense or worried or just staring ahead trying to convey lostness and doubt. And the fakest, funniest looking, plastic green snake used repeatedly to indicate badness. It’s bad enough to be a Christian movie!
It’s so dumb, I can’t even write a serious review. Seems likely the studio purposely created and then drove all the controversy around the movie because they knew they had a dog. They’re hoping they can have a huge opening weekend because as soon as word gets out that this is a dull, idiotic waste, it’s going to drop like a rock person next weekend.
“Rock people” is a motif in this review, because they are actual characters in this movie. You’ve got to read Barbara’s hilarious review, in which she explains who the Rock People are. That’s what they call them in the movie. They’re something Aronofsky, the director, made up. How does crap like this get made? Mysterium tremendum…
Did you see Noah? If so, what did you think?
UPDATE: Several of you have pointed to the Catholic film critic Steven Greydanus’s much more positive review of Noah. It’s a very good read, and makes me want to see the film — as do the comments on this thread about the conflict between tradition and will to power in the film’s narrative.