I ga-ron-tee!:

[London authorities] have been forced to issue a new warning following reports that an invasive breed of crayfish has swamped the open-air pools and begun nipping swimmers in intimate places.

It is a particularly sensitive problem in the Men’s Pond, where many bathers prefer to swim in the nude.

The culprits are Red Swamp Crayfish, a non-native species known for their aggressive behaviour and long claws. First spotted in the north London park around 20 years ago, they are now multiplying at such a rate that around 5,000 of them are said to be colonising the ponds.

Crawfish in Hampstead Heath? This ain’t a problem, y’all; this is dinner. Pray to Justin Wilson (above) for guidance, then call in some Cajuns. Y’all get in touch with me — I’ll hook you up.