Rod Dreher

Mickey Mouse Hates Junk Food Now

Caretaking

By Rod Dreher • June 6, 2012, 6:11 PM

Just got home from a day spent with my father at the cardiologist’s, having a series of tests. The results were pretty good, I’m grateful to be able to say. As soon as they took him back for the tests, my mom and I walked out of the hospital and went to lunch. On the way down, we talked to a late middle-aged woman who was wheeling her frail, elderly mother out to the parking lot in a chair. She started talking to my mom, who said, “It’s such a blessing to have my son here to take us to and from the hospital. He moved here from Philadelphia to help us”

“My children won’t help me with Mama one bit,” the lady pushing the wheelchair said. “They both live right here, but they say they’re too busy. When she’s not here any more, they’re going to start up with me, but I’m going to tell them I don’t want to hear it. They didn’t do a thing when we needed them.”

I jumped into the conversation, saying that I wasn’t especially virtuous, but only extremely fortunate that a job came along for me at just the right time. If this TAC gig hadn’t come along when it did, I would still be in Philadelphia, trying to figure out what in the world I could do to get back down South so I could help my folks. It was a complete blessing; Julie and I were able to make the choice that we did because we had a choice, thanks to the TAC people. There was no way we could have dropped everything — an income, health insurance — to come South to care for family. Most people I know cannot return to where their parents are if they wanted to; they are locked in to jobs elsewhere.

Still, honest to God, I don’t know how my mom and dad would manage all these doctor’s visits and suchlike on their own. And I have no idea how I would be able to live with myself if I were 1,300 miles away, having to hope that their friends and neighbors stepped into a role that I, their only living child, ought to be filling. How do sick old people do it without family around? How do adult children stand being far away when their elderly parents are in need? I’m not trying to be judgmental here; as I said, I perfectly well know that I am the beneficiary of an extraordinary blessing. Still, I have been thinking about this a lot as I’ve seen how important family is in times like this. I watched my father do this for his father, and I am privileged to be in a position to do this for him. We don’t live this way in our country anymore, though.

Tagged Family.

41 Responses to Caretaking

Mary Russell says:

June 6, 2012 at 6:30 pm

There are no good answers to this problem. Many elderly people who can no longer care for themselves rely on the goodness of neighbors or distant relatives. There are many, many good people like this in small towns who look after each other long after children have blown to the four winds. Sometimes a grandchild or great grandchild will pitch in to help in return for some assistance like a place to live while inbetween jobs or going through a divorce.
I’ll add that the elderly are not always innocent victims in these situations. I have little sympathy for an 80 year old who was begged to quit smoking her entire life, then finds herself too short of breath to take care of herself independently in her own home and calls on children to give up significant time and effort to take care of her. Or the elderly man who needs hearing aides and can afford them, but refuses to wear them, then demands that family members accompany him to the doctor’s office. Or the 90 year old who clings to what’s left of her independence in her home even after she’s fallen several times, but refuses to enter a nursing home.
MattSwartz says:

June 6, 2012 at 6:35 pm

I used to tell my parents that I loved them when I ended phone conversations with them. I no longer do so, because it’s redundant. They get that. Now I say “you’re never going to have to live in a home.”

It might not be true, but I’m going to do my best.
Erin Manning says:

June 6, 2012 at 6:36 pm

This is timely for us. We’re in a different position: we moved to Texas partly to be near lots of family, but it meant leaving Thad’s parents in North Carolina. They always hoped we’d move back, but there were no jobs there when we left (a big reason why we had to, actually). Now that my father-in-law has retired, they’re in the process of selling their house to move here for their retirement years, because there is still no work for us there.

My m-i-l just got out of the hospital: a routine hernia operation turned into a three-week nightmare until the doctors finally found the ulcer that was causing her post-surgery complications. It was so frustrating to be here, to want to go there, but to realize that going there during the time when the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong would have been useless (we’d have had to come back right away, and then if it *had* been something serious…etc.) Fortunately she’s home and recovering well now, and things are looking up regarding their house, so if all goes well they could get here soon–and we honestly can’t wait, because we *don’t* want to be so far away when these things happen.

Families that are scattered all over the country have tough, nearly impossible choices, esp. as regards aging parents. It was different when economic times were good and travel was somewhat affordable. Now it’s not so good, and I think it will be worse.
Anonymous says:

June 6, 2012 at 6:51 pm

In many, many cases, adult children move their elderly parents to where they are living. That makes more sense a lot of the time than uprooting people from jobs in a world in which finding other employment isn’t a given.
@RealSheree says:

June 6, 2012 at 7:24 pm

For a small but devoted core of this country, we do take care of family.

Thanks to sons and daughters-in-law who handled the big stuff and nieces and nephews who “kept an eye on her”, my paternal grandmother was able to stay at home until the last 10 days of her life. At age 89 she fell while cleaning out her storm cellar (she was terrified of “clouds”). No broken bones but she was badly bruised and already suffering from some form of dementia. She was in the hospital for a week and then transferred, temporarily, to a skilled nursing facility while she continued to recuperate. She had a heart attack and died within 24 hours of arrival at the nursing home. We think it was a combination of stress caused by the situation and withdrawal from her “snuff.”

My maternal grandmother died young, age 60, after a recurrence of cancer (she’d had breast cancer in the late 60s and rediscovered cancer in 1978, when it had spread). She and all of the family knew there was no cure, despite chemo treatments. Her daughters rotated spending the night with her. I was a college student at the time and, as the oldest grandchild, occasionally pulled relief duty. I had always loved to spend the night with her anyway.

Taking care of family requires a bit of sacrifice, it requires giving up some individual freedom. It requires moving away from self and toward service.

Fortunately, the times have been relatively few, but I’ve always been there when my parents needed me, even if it meant taking time off work. And I’ll be there until the end, which I hope is a long way off, even if it means quitting a job and moving without insurance. Fortunately, I’m in great health and could return to law practice in my hometown, if need be, to support myself.
Roger II says:

June 6, 2012 at 7:33 pm

The problem is also made more difficult when the elderly choose to move away — to places like retirement communities in Florida and Arizona. In other words, it’s not always the younger generation’s decision to live in a different location.
Stephanie says:

June 6, 2012 at 7:55 pm

In my case the shoe in on the other foot. I am a cancer patient and I have been traveling almost 5 hours back and forth to a hospital out of state for treatment for my cancer. In fact I am in the hospital right now for high dose chemo and a stem cell transplant. My sweet father in law is my care giver. He has spent endless nights with me. We had to rent an apartment in the city where I am receiving treatment. I told him when I got out of the hospital here the first time, there is no way I could do this by myself. He is my angel. He is with with for the duration. I lost my own father to cancer. I k ow he would be doing the same things for me if he could. I felt guilty for taking so much of my father in law’s time …especially during fishing season. I told this to a nun who is my spiritual guide. She told me I was looking at is wrong. Helping me is his opportunity to get closer to God and earn his way I to heaven. She told me to not take this away. From him. This made me look at it different. If you have the chance to be a caregiver, take it. It will help you earn your way into heaven…..pretty good deal.
JaredK says:

June 6, 2012 at 8:05 pm

I’m dealing with the same thing but on the other end of life’s spectrum. My wife and I are expecting our first child in just a few months. And yet, all our family is 2,000 miles away. Although friends and our church family help, they can’t fully replace the support of immediate and extended family.

Perhaps that’s why Wendell Berry has been ringing so true for me of late. In “What Matters” he said:

…to speak of “a job” as if it were the only economic need a person has, as if it doesn’t matter what the job is or where a person must go in order to have it, is brutally reductive. To speak so is to leave out virtually everything that is humanly important: family and community ties, connection to a home place, the questions of vocation and good work.

I am blessed in that I am suited both by talent and calling for my job. But I hope to one day be as fortunate as you in locating a job closer to home.
JR says:

June 6, 2012 at 8:09 pm

God… I have been asking those same exact questions lately…
Dommerdog says:

June 6, 2012 at 8:19 pm

I was so relieved when my 83 year old mom finally abandoned Lexington, KY, for Dallas, where all three of her children live. She and her husband met, fell in love, and married in Florida 35 years ago where he had retired and she had moved to be closer to her sisters after we kids flew the coop. They aged and, with health failing, moved to Lexington to be closer to his children who could care for him while he cared for her. He died a couple of years ago, and she didn’t want to leave. She wasn’t close to his children who still considered him married to their mother who had died before he and Mom met, but they lived in a retirement community where they had mutual friends; and she was comforted by their presence in the months following his death. After months of begging and reasoning, mainly along lines of “there’s no way if you had an accident or needed care that we could come here and spend much time to help.” She finally moved back a year ago and not a moment too soon. No sooner than I had gotten her established with a doctor to monitor her health and medications when a situation presented itself which required surgery, followed by a month in a rehab facility. That was followed by two more surgeries. I don’t know what she or we would have done had she been in Kentucky.

I spend time with Mom and her friends at the independent living center where she happily resides (she values her independence and is financially stable enough to afford it). I hear occasional complaints from some that children far away don’t visit often enough or come in enough cases when a health situation arises; but they won’t move closer to their children.

The thing is that their children also have children and grandchildren of their own and most are still working. People in their 50′s and 60′s who have a living parent or parents are spread pretty thin in terms of time, job demands, family needs (near and far), and trying to achieve some sort of financial stability for themselves for when they are no longer able to work or want to retire. It becomes an even bigger strain when financial needs of others become their responsibility.

I’m glad you are there for your parents, Rod; and I know they appreciate it and I know it means so much to you. You’re setting a good example for your children, as well.
Sam M says:

June 6, 2012 at 8:33 pm

This is close to home for my wife’s family. They live in the DC area. The doctor visits are on the increase. They have little in the way of cash or wealth. My mother in law does not drive, never has.

We keep trying to get them to move here. With five kids, no way we can afford to move there.

It will be a train wreck some time. Maybe not tomorrow. But some day.

Also, I always come back to the question of “can’t” when it comes to moving home. I get that it’s a challenge. And an architect can’t necessarily find work in rural Kansas. But you don’t HAVE to be an architect.

Revers things up a bit. Let’s say someone were living near family, making ends meet with a job as a line worker while taking care of mom. Would it be “ok” for that person to up and move and abandon the family if he was offered a job doing desk work 2,000 miles away? Would that seem weird?

Why isn’t it just as weird for the desk worker not to abandon desk work and take up life in a factory?

I guess there are transition costs. Sunk costs. Etc. But it seems like the calculus is kind of the same.

I am honestly curious. If someone is a corporate attorney in Chicago, SHOULD that person take a job in a chicken processing plant close to home if that’s what it takes to be near dying parents?
JonF says:

June 6, 2012 at 9:08 pm

For a while at least younger relatives might follow parents and grandparents to Florida or Arizona. That’s how a huge chunk of my extended family ended up in and around St Pete FL. But that was in the days when jobs were thinning in the Rust Belt but still plentiful in the Sunbelt (which explains my five year sojourn in the Sunshine State). I don’t know that we’ll go back to those days any time soon.

A word about the lady in Rod’s account. We know nothing about her family except her complaint. But if her kids have full time jobs they might well be too busy. Altogether too many employers are scions of the pre-Christmas Scrooge and have little patience for people who plead family duties so they cannot reliably work a regular schedule.
Roland de Chanson says:

June 6, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Having read your conversion story, Rod, and then how you met Julie, and now this auspicious (though under the most dolorous of circumstances) return to your homestead, I can’t help feeling that there is a divine guidance in your life.

I am not in the least of a mystical bent (I would probably wig out if I ever had anything remotely resembling a mystical experience) but there is something beneficent operating on you and your family. Your Mom had it right. May the Holy Ghost continue to bless you all.
Surly says:

June 6, 2012 at 9:31 pm

In the lady’s defense–sometimes kids or grandkids just give up. My husband’s parents refuse to accept any help that they have to pay for, which means either he does it or I do it (we are the only local kids), and we both work full time and have our own kids to take care of. I finally went on strike, because they are sitting on about a million dollars in cash, refusing to spend any of it because it is “for the children.” My wonderful husband, who is a better Christian than I, still takes them to doctor appointments. But until they will hire help to clean and deal with life, I’m not going over there. The house is a filthy,urine soaked mess piled up with stuff they can’t bear to get rid of.

When my father-in-law had his latest health crisis we went over there and got the area rugs out of the way and put in grab bars in the bathrooms and you would think we sent in a pack of thieves to strip them of every worldly good.
Rod Dreher says:

June 6, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Stephanie, as one of Ruthie’s closest friends toward the end of her life, I know you probably know this, but Ruthie was good about letting people do for her. She hated to feel that anybody had to put themselves out for her, but she also understood that it did people good to do good for others.

Tonight Julie and I cooked dinner for my mom and dad. Mama was all worried about us using real plates, not paper plates. It was so hard for her to accept us “putting ourselves out” for her. Always is. We take so much pleasure in this, though! It’s not work for us. I mean, it *is* work, but it’s good work.

Surly, I think yours is a good point. My dad realizes now, at the end of his life, that his late mother and father, and his aunts, used him constantly to do hard chores that they didn’t want to pay anybody else to do, even though they had the money. He did it out of love, but says with pain in his heart that they never appreciated it.

Mary Russell, yours is a parallel point. I know people whose parents have treated them so harshly they alienated them. This whole thing is so hard…
KateLE says:

June 6, 2012 at 10:37 pm

“I watched my father do this for his father, and I am privileged to be in a position to do this for him. We don’t live this way in our country anymore, though.”

That last sentiment hit home for me. I think the root of that problem is something rather more pragmatic than most of us would be comfortable discussing. A generation or two ago, an illness when you were old meant you died. No prolonged doctor visits, no prolonged and debilitating treatments, no prolonged rehabilitation. Looking after ill parents was likely to be a matter of weeks, not years.

Certainly, we have changed. We are scattered all over the country, far from our extended families. We have families where all the adults are outside the home working now who have fewer disposable hours to spend. But I think that the overshadowing reason that this is becoming the 800lb gorilla in the room is the sheer length of time that we prolong death now.

I’m at that age now when things are starting to twinge and go wrong. Mortality is peeking around the corner letting me know that it’s waiting. I understand the fear of dying. The fear of the unknown is very strong. We’ve put enormous resources, not into extending our productive, healthy, middle years (menopause has hardly shifted compared to life expectency), but into keeping infirm bodies technically alive for another few years. Slow deterioration instead of out with a bang.

I don’t know what the answer is, but we are long, long overdue talking about the probem. I also acknowledge that it is much easier to assert that “we are all going to die, you know” when it is not you facing it today. That does not, however, stop it from being a mostly created problem.
AnotherBeliever says:

June 6, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Several of my coworkers have had parents or in-laws move down here to south Texas. It’s a great warm climate to retire to, after all, with less humidity and a lower cost of living than Florida. Plus, half the population of Miami Dade county seems stark racing mad.
Elizabeth Anne says:

June 6, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Sam – you’re assuming there are factory jobs to be had. There often aren’t. And there are other concerns as well. Insurance is the big, big one. For us, quality of life for our children is another. Should we ever decide to move back to where either of our parents live, it would mean becoming a two income family: in one town because the jobs aren’t there, and in the other, because the cost of living is so high.
Laurie says:

June 7, 2012 at 12:35 am

Very good article, Rod, and also very good comments!

My family lives in Dallas; I was an only child, and my mother lived in Florida. I discussed with her several times about relocating to TX, and she did not want to do so.

In 2006, she had a hip fracture, and I was unable to be in FL with her. My husband was in a contract job that was due to end soon, and I was homeschooling and caring for two kids, including one with classic autism (not
Aspergers). There’s more to the story; it was an absolute train wreck of a situation. My husband and I were able to arrange our schedules so that I could care for her for 10 days after she was discharged from rehab.

However, while she was in rehab, I was trying to coordinate/run interference from afar, and that just does not work.

She got to the point that it was physically impossible to move her by car or commercial flight. I was even reasearching air ambulance, but the cost of that would have been one year’s take home pay for my salary.

she fell last November, and died after a 3 day hospital stay. When I saw her the day before she died, she very strongly wanted to die.

If I had been available to support her as she needed and deserved, I wonder if she would have felt the same way.

I do not feel guilty because I did my best with the constraints I was under. However, I am very regretful that I was not more forceful about my mother relocating nearer to me when she was still able.

It would have been so much better for her —- and for me—- if she had lived near to us.
stef says:

June 7, 2012 at 12:48 am

Seems to me that when the grown children are working, that the parent in need of caregiving needs to move to where the adult children are. Yes, sad that they have to uproot themselves, but it can’t all be about what they want, when they are depending on other people to do for them.
JonF says:

June 7, 2012 at 6:35 am

Re: Also, I always come back to the question of “can’t” when it comes to moving home. I get that it’s a challenge.

If the choice is between a job that allows you to save for your own retirement and provide a good start for your kids, and one that leaves you a next door neighbor to poverty, then the prudent thing to do is to stick with the good job. As someone else, in some cases the parents ought move to where their children are when they need help.
Sam M says:

June 7, 2012 at 6:49 am

Elizabeth Ann:

“Sam – you’re assuming there are factory jobs to be had. There often aren’t”

Yes. This is obviously an issue in many cases. But remember that unless you would be moving to a place where people are starving to death… people there are not starving to death.

Look at a place like Manhattan. We all think we could never afford to live there. And yet, people live there. Median household income is about $70,000. I know a young architect who is married to another architect who moved out of Manhattan after having a baby because they “couldn’t afford it.” They probably made at least $300,000 together, at least four to five times the median household income.

I am not saying that people have an obligation to doomthemselves to a life of pverty and misery. But at least part of the problem in “going home” is that so many people can’t imagine taking a pay cut or doing something they don’t love.

I can also report that in most places, even when factory jobs are hard to come by, you can get one in a hurry if you can demonstrate that you show up to work on time and sober.
KC says:

June 7, 2012 at 7:52 am

Not mentioned is the reality of multiple parents & even grandparents in need of caregiving. Parents may be divorced & dispersed. Which one do you choose to move nearby &caretake?

Then there are the inlaws. If I insist my family relocate to live next to my parents & take care of them; how can I do the same for my spouse’s parents who don’t live in the same town? How do I justify choosing my duty to my parents over my spouse’s duty to theirs?
Sam M says:

June 7, 2012 at 8:47 am

Stef,

Good point about who should move. Ideally, though, the place where the parents live should already have SOME kind of support structure in place. Aunts, uncles, friends, etc. If the kids moved off to follow jobs and the parents follow, it’s basically the nuclear family and… who? I know that right now, my mom relies a lot on her sister and neighbors and the church family to help with my dad. It would be impossible for her to function without that.

Finally…. track this through from the beginning. Parents move wherever the “best school district” is so their kids can get into a good college. The kid goes the best college they can get into, wherever it is, so they can get their dream job. After college they pursue their dream job, wherever it is, and move to build that job into a career. Once they have that career, they uproot their parents to be closer to that job.

I am all for making a living. But gadzooks. This seems like a pretty narrow focus, one which transcends place, time, generations and pretty much any other consideration.

Is being a mid-level advertising executive or an accountant worth all THAT? All so the next generation of kids can afford to…. live in the best school district…. etc.?
EB says:

June 7, 2012 at 9:25 am

KateLE is right — modern medicine is handing us illnesses that last far longer. And I would add, air travel and superhighways are making it possible (thus expected) to rush to people’s bedsides thousands of miles away. My grandmother had family all over the country, but communication was by letter, and she and her siblings did not travel to see each other except once per year, when after months of planning and long train rides they gathered in St. Louis. When the older ones died, she did not even attempt to go to the funerals (and she was very close to them). Some of them had been farm people, and they had been conditioned by the fact that at many times of the year you can’t leave a farm at all.
Leapold says:

June 7, 2012 at 9:36 am

I moved back to my hometown when I was about 30. I helped care for my aging grandparents. They died. I married, started a family and have two boys. My parents, who both live in this town, rarely care to spend time with us. My mother never watches her grandsons. She is too busy being a “glam-ma”. A decade has gone by. She has had some health issues. Now she expects love and support to be heaped on her in her advancing old age.

I am too exhausted to do anything but the bare minimum for her.
Andrea says:

June 7, 2012 at 10:07 am

I hope I will be able to do as much for my parents. I also hope it won’t be necessary for a long time. I wish your father improved health and hope he is around to enjoy his grandchildren for many years to come.
pinkjohn says:

June 7, 2012 at 10:32 am

God bless you and all caregivers, Rod. I missed the chance to do this for my mother 10 years ago and I regret mightily. She had lung cancer and I was going up to her home every chance I got, but kept putting off taking my leave of absence from work to take care of her because of this or that project. While I feel blessed that I got to be with her when she died, I am still crushed that I didn’t make her the priority that she deserved to be, my denial telling me that we had more time. We did have great family and friends near that helped so much whom I can never repay. Nevertheless, I will kick myself until I die. Again, blessings on you.
Mr. Patrick says:

June 7, 2012 at 11:59 am

I’m all for sticking together, or if need be, dragging family along, but is it really a new thing that kids move? In a country that moved the wild frontier from Pittsburgh to Wyoming in about two generations?
Solara says:

June 7, 2012 at 12:47 pm

My sister and I are trying to take care of our mother, who is sliding into dementia, has macular degeneration and diabetic retinopathy, has lost her hearing aids and refuses to buy any more, has essential tremors so bad that she can barely feed herself, and threatens to hire a lawyer and disinherit us if we suggest that maybe it’s time for assisted living. We have taken her to doctors only to have her refuse treatment (she expects everything “free”) if it’s going to cost her something.
She lives with my sister during the week, gets Meals on Wheels, and I have her on the weekends. My husband has Parkinson’s Disease and the stress is beginning to affect him.
We both have to work because we are carrying the health insurance on our families. My sister has been fighting breast cancer, her husband had major heart surgery, and she will be losing her job in September because her company got bought out by another company. Yet when we asked for help from mom’s family, we received the response, “what’s the matter with you girls that you can’t take care of our sister.”
Erin Manning says:

June 7, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Sam, I’m really not trying to be the counterpoint to everything you write. But let me use my in-laws as an example:

Both my in-laws and my parents are from the Generation That Moved. Thus, though my f-i-l’s family is from PA and my m-i-l has family in NY and Florida (she grew up in Miami), they eventually settled in Charlotte, NC. Alone, except for their adult son (my husband) who was going to school there at the time.

There are no aunts, uncles, cousins, or other extended family nearer than Florida. Their friends have retired and either moved away or passed away, except for a few who do have children in the area. Meanwhile, we live near three of my siblings and their families.

Would it make sense for us to move there, assuming my husband could get some sort of “factory job?” Leaving aside the facts that he is over 50 and that there really aren’t factory jobs in Charlotte, NC, no, it wouldn’t–because housing in Charlotte is a mess, NC taxes are skyrocketing, homeschooling is way more complicated in that state, and I would likely have to work full time as well just to make ends meet. And the “trade-off” would be for my in-laws to stay in a house they’ve only lived in for about 12 years anyway, in an area where they have never had family and are down to just a few friends who are also elderly.

And if I had to work full-time to help us afford a modest apartment in that city, who exactly would be taking care of them, anyway? My girls aren’t yet old enough and need to finish school.

The point is that no, it does not always make sense for the children to move where the adult parents are, especially if the adult parents are the only relatives in the city, the city is expensive, job prospects are poor, housing is ridiculously unaffordable, etc. That’s why my husband’s parents are coming to us–it makes way more sense in our situation.
Mike says:

June 7, 2012 at 3:13 pm

My mother has moved to where my sister lives and has an incredibly busy and active life there, much happier than when she was living in a place neither I nor my sister could live. I contemplated moving near my mother and was ready to do it, only to have mom decide to make the first move.

Ironically, it would be my elderly mother who would end up temporarily living with me when I was diagnosed with cancer a year ago and my partner was living out of the country. I will never forget the moment I was sitting in a waiting room and looking around the room and realizing that of all the adult children sitting there with an elderly parent, I was the only adult child who was the patient relying on the parent. You are never prepared for that.
Sam M says:

June 7, 2012 at 4:35 pm

“The point is that no, it does not always make sense for the children to move where the adult parents are”

I did not mean to argue that it always makes sense. But this idea that people “cannot” move back home because of job restrictions rings false to me.

In my town (and in every town) there are families large and small tending to elderly family members. This is proof that people working standard jobs in such areas can, in fact, tend to adult family members. There are uneducated people in Manahattan and Chicago and San Francisco and all manner of other expensive places taking care of parents. People who work in factories and convenience stores manage to do it without starving to death.

When we say, “It’s not possible,” what we really mean to say is, “It’s not possible within the limits of things I am willing to sacrifice.” Which is fine. I am no saint, and no different than anyone else.

It just comes down to accuracy and truth. Is it hard to be healthy and fit if you eat at McDonald’s every day? Yes. But it’s possible in almost all circumstances. Is it possible for an educated person to move back home to take care of parents, even if there are no jobs available in that person’s field? Yes. Demonstrably so.
Connie says:

June 7, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Is it possible for an educated person to move back home to take care of parents, even if there are no jobs available in that person’s field?

Ok, change “possible” to “realistic.” Is it realistic to abandon a job that provides health insurance and allows you to save for your own retirement (so your kids won’t have to continue the cycle of moving back to care for elderly you)in exchange for working in the mythological chicken plucking factory that’s near your aging parents? In most cases, no, not realistic or feasible.

Parents and children, we all make our choices, and sometimes they come back to bite us. The choices may be about where to live, whom we marry, or how we rear our children. In the end, literally, there are no perfect situations.
JonF says:

June 7, 2012 at 6:30 pm

SamM,
You are fairly young still, right? I seem to remember that, though correct me if I am wrong
Most people with elderly parents are getting on in years themselves, late middle age or older. At that age a career change is far more difficult than it is at 30. And in today’s environment becoming unemployed at age 50+ is quite often a ticket to long-term, even permanent unemployment– and if a person quits their job voluntarily they will not even have unemployment benefits to help them.
You also seem to ignoring the option of bringing an elderly parent to live where one lives and works. Surely that may often be the better option? There are people at my church, well into their 50s, who are facing this issue. They have lived in the area for many years, they have (adult) children and grandchildren in the area, and the husband’s 80+ mother is not far away either. The wife’s mother (almost 90) lives alone in a senior community down in Daytona, FL and is really no longer able to live that way. Should these folks uproot themselves to move to Daytona, with no jobs, no health insurance (the wife herself has some health issues), leaving behind the rest of their family, and no contacts beyond the mother? That makes no sense! Instead they are planning to move the lady up with them.
Josh says:

June 7, 2012 at 6:50 pm

Family is the only thing keeping my wife and I from abandoning California like all other right-thinking people. I’ve watched my dad care for both of his parents over extended periods of failing health. My mother’s side of the family was-fortunate?-to go quickly, but his mother lingered on bedridden, and his father is mentally gone, despite being in great physical shape. I only hope that someday I can show as much patience when it is my turn to help my parents out.
Sam M says:

June 7, 2012 at 7:44 pm

“You also seem to ignoring the option of bringing an elderly parent to live where one lives and works.”

No. I am not ignoring that option. I have no idea why you think I am ignoring it. I recognie it not only as an option, but quite often as the best option. I fully admit that it’s often better for grandma to move to the city where junior is a corporate attorney. Or for junior ro just mail checks home.

What i object to is junior arguing that it’s impossible for him to move home because there are no corporate attorney jobs. There are lots of reasons not to move home. That is not one of them.

Lots of physicians and surgeons and architects in third world contries move to expensive US cities and take up jobs as cab drivers. They do this without health insurance. The live in tenaments.

This is not an ideal solution. But it is, in fact, possible. Most Americans choose not to do that. As Rod points out, we don’t live that way anymore.

“Because we can’t” is not the reason.

Again, there are real reasons. Justifiable reasons. Completely understandable reasons. great reasons.

But that ain’t one of them.
JonF says:

June 7, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Sam M: The word for the day is “prudent”. It refers to one of the Seven Cardinal Virtues. There are many things that we can do because they are not impossible– but ought not do because they are imprudent. Perhaps as you grow older life will each this lesson.
Pete S says:

June 8, 2012 at 9:20 am

I am in my mid 40′s and my only sister passed away a couple of months ago. My parents had moved back to my city two years ago and we can only be grateful that at least we have been readily available to support each other. They are both in their 70′s and I am comforted that as they slowly relinquish some independence I will be here to help them out. My wife worries about this as her parents took early retirement and moved to Florida (1000+ miles away) and complain that they do not see as much of us as they would like.
Sam M says:

June 8, 2012 at 11:53 am

“There are many things that we can do because they are not impossible– but ought not do because they are imprudent. Perhaps as you grow older life will each this lesson.”

Perhaps we can all learn lessons as we grow older. Careful reading is one I endorse.

I still do not know where you are getting the “ought,” which is a restatemnt of the “should” I addressed in previous comments.

I see this discussion as the exact re-creation of the discussion about weight. People say, “I can’t lose weight.” When I say, “Sure you can, here’s how,” people say, “Well, you’re just being pedantic.”

I believe that to be dead wrong. I see what I consider an epidemic of blame shifting and excuse making on issues large and small. I also believe this abdication of agency to be a cultural disaster.

Look. I have all the pressures other people have. Soccer practice. Job. Etc. As such, my kids watch too much TV and eat too much junk food. Who’s fault is that?

It’s my fault.

I could blame TV and Michelle Obama and the internet. And to some extent, I guess these are important forces that impact my behavior. Well, OK. But… BS.

The reason I don’t have rock hard abs? I am too lazy to have them. The reason I am not doing a better job of getting my dad to stop driving? Because I am not working hard enough at it. The reason my wife and I don’t spend as much time working on our relationship as we might like? Because it’s a failure on my part. The reason I don’t give more to charity? Because I buy too much crap.

I don’t see this as beating myself up. I see it as a prerequisite to any honest assesment of the way I set priorities. There are only so many hours in the day. I see no value whatsover in making up false villains or fake excuses. In fact, I see that as the opposite of productive. I do have agency. I can spend more time and resources on any of these things, but that will leave fewer time and resources for other things.

I have no idea why this sort of discussion gets peoples dander up in the way that it does.

Right now, I know a lot of people who would place some value on moving to take care of parents, or having another kid, or going back to school. In all cases, the reason boild down to, “I just can’t.” Some times that’s the truth. But quite often it’s not.

I know a family who “can’t” afford college for their kids because they are broke. This is true in a way. It would be less true if they did not have $1500 a month in car payments. Which is fine. I waste money on stuff, too.

But at the end of the day, is it true that I “can’t” get my dad to stop driving? No. It’s not true. I could call the police on him and start a huge fight with my mom and the rest of the family.

I choose not to do that.

The operative words there are, “I choose.”

For the 15th time, I understand that for some people there IS no choice when it comes to moving. But for the vast majority of cases, there is a choice.
JonF says:

June 9, 2012 at 11:36 am

Re: But at the end of the day, is it true that I “can’t” get my dad to stop driving? No. It’s not true.

Or there may simply be no future in which you get your father to stop driving. We choose among possible futures, Sam, and they are not infinite (though frequently– really, almost always– they include possibilities people do not see). But if it’s not already in the cards you can’t choose it.